Actually surviving in Surabaya

Well, here' s my first post from Indonesia and I fear it's not going to be a pleasant one. When I set up my blog I did not think that I would actually be surviving in Surabaya but I find myself just trying to survive hour to hour.

Things are not what I thought they would be. I arrived two nights ago. I was picked up from the airport by a nice man who drove me to my new house. On the drive, the poverty was horrible. I kept thinking that we were just going through the slums and it would get better soon. The drive took forever and we went around and around road with thousands of people lining the roads and driving on the roads with hundred of mopeds. I just kept praying that my living environment would be better. When we finally arrived at my house it was down an alley on the right with a gate with barbwire over the top of it. The house was complete trash. I walked in and felt sick to my stomach and could feel the tears start to come. I was greeted by a male roommate and found out there that I would have no female companionship. It was just me a two other men. I quickly retreated to my new room and began bawling. The other roommate is an older man and had no idea what to tell us. He was very quiet but gave a tour of the house. The kitchen is uncookable. The bathroom was filthy (there's also no sink in the bathroom but it's located outside of the bathroom) and my bed has springs about ready to poke out of the fabric all over. There is also no lock on my bedroom door. I tried to go out and walk around that night but there are no sidewalks and the traffic is lining the streets making it hard to even walk on the side of the road. So, I just went back to my bedroom and bawled all night. I finally fell asleep but woke in the middle of the night with a sense of dread and pure disappointment at my situation. I thought that I would be greeted by female roommates that were helpful and be given a sense of community. I also found out that where I work is about 20 to 30 minutes away by taxi and the schooling does not pay for that.

That night, I called home and just sobbed. The disappointment, culture shock, and pure loneliness is proving more than I can handle. My family has been very supportive as well as my friends. They have reassured me that I do not have to stay here and can come home whenever I want. I really don't want to give up, but this is not what I thought I was signing up for. I knew that I would be in a poor country, but everything I read and everything I heard told a different story of living environments for me and what to expect.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day in my bedroom bawling and sleeping. I could not find the energy to leave. I did try, in the morning, to walk down the street but I didn't want to get far from my house as I didn't want to get lost. I just wish that there was a park, a beach, something that I could find a little peace in, but there's not. And to top it off, I have to start a new job today which is stressful all in itself. I don't think I can do this and quite frankly, I don't want to do this.

I took a shower this morning out of pure necessity. I had no towels because they are not provided for us and the water was cold. It was miserable. I also had to wear shoes because the floor is so disgusting that I couldn't dream to step on it bare foot. The maid came this morning when I got out of the shower. All houses have maids because of the poverty. However, their standard of clean is so low that they don't know how to properly clean. I couldn't imagine what she did all day after I saw how dirty the kitchen was but then was told by one of the roommates that she hand washes all our clothes. And sure enough, first thing she did was ask for my clothes. I was very friendly to her and am trying to be upbeat but the minute I retreat to my room I can't help but bawl. i don't think I've cried this much since Jesse and I broke up and boy does that seem like small potato's compared to what I'm going through now.

I want to thank everyone for their continued support and reassurance that I am not a failure if I decide that this is not for me. To everyone from my parents that have been a solid rock even though I know both of them are struggling and feeling helpless with their child so far away and not doing well, to my sisters who have been sending emails of reassurance, taking time out of their day to skype with me, and trying to make me laugh, my friends who have been making it a priority to get in touch with me, pray for me, and also reassure me on my ability to come home. Even little things like Erin being willing to send me a towel, to Kelley giving me a sense of home. I also want to thank the support of the church bodies back home that are supporting me so much and offering continued prayer covering. The support that I have received from people I haven't talked to in years makes me humble and ask why I've been blessed with such a wonderful group of people in my life.

I really don't want to give up and am determined to try to fight though this. I realize that a lot of what I am feeling is pure culture shock but without the sense of community, commradery, and foundation I thought I would have, I will just not be able to make it. Dessa has offered me a nanny job as her nanny will be leaving in June. The idea of coming home and living with roommates in Jackson Hole and actually making money spending time with my niece gives me a feeling of comfort and peace beyond anything. However, she can not wait for months for me to decide and I feel the strain of having to make a decision shortly. The peace is quickly erased by disappointment and loneliness when I look out my window or exit my room to men that I don't know and a world that is completely foreign. I wish I had pictures to post but there is nothing here that I have seen that would be worthy of a picture. Nothing to represent a different culture, and style of living, or a beautiful landscape.

So, I'll end by saying thank you to all of those that have vested time in my welfare and supported me through this. Thank you.