Wonderful Memorial Day

I'm off... to Custer State Park for a great memorial day. A couple months ago I would have never thought that I would be here for memorial day. But, I'm glad that I am and I get to spend the day with my family as we do every year. Last year we hiked Little Devil's Tower. This year, since my sister is still sick, we are just going to have a picnic and let the kids play by the creek so she can rest. It's all the same though. Just being with family today is great and puts things into perspective when we think about why we celebrate this day.

I have no brother, son, or husband who has died in the line of fire. I don't know what it's like to spend this day alone, when my beloved husband or father is overseas fighting for our country. But, I know that millions of families are separated right now by the threat of war. This day is for them, and my guess is, that it's not a happy day. Full of excitement, life, and joy. It's a day they walk onto grave sites, place flowers next to fallen ones, and remember a better time in their lives. It's a day they remember kissing their loved ones goodbye so many years ago, praying for a safe return, and dreading that knock on their door in months to come. Today, soldiers remember the pride they had fighting for their country, standing for something, representing a nation. As they unite all around this great land, today soldiers remember the bond they had with those they fought with hand in hand; side by side. And today, they remember the day they arrived back on American soil; forever changed.

So on this day, we put our American flags out as not just a symbol and not just for the sake of tradition, but today, we put our flags out as a sign of respect for all those families that will not spend this day picnicking and barbecuing. For the soldiers that have paid the ultimate sacrifice; and the families that mourn their loss. We put our American flags out for those families that are still apart right now; waiting and wishing for a better time to come.

And finally, we put our flags out as a sign of hope and think fondly on those families that have been reunited and can enjoy this day embracing their loved one. Our American flags sway gently in the wind for these families that represent a great hope; not just for a nation, but for every individual child, wife, father, husband, daughter, son, and mother in America that deals with the reality of war every day.

Rest In Peace Grandpa Taylor: Veteran of World War II

Rampage!!! What happened?

I went and watched the fights yesterday and my boy Rampage got beat down. Good thing I didn't actually put money down like I was telling everyone I would. I talk a big game, but thank goodness they all know me well enough to know it's just that. nothin' but game!

But Auntie, PLEASE!

Oh how those kids know how to manipulate me. I got suckered into going swimming with them today. Had a great time, but I really don't enjoy in-door pools that much. It was worth it though.

The Blogging Bummer

I really don't have much to say. Well, I do but here's the problem with this blog thing... Everything I put in it has to be cencored. I mean, it is the internet right? Even facebook I censor but at least there, you have privacy settings. I guess that's the point of blogging is that everybody can read it, so I end up having to censor everything. I read through it and think, "ok, would I be okay with whoever shows up to read this?" And often the answer is no. I tell you what, I have so much drama in my life. Drama drama drama. I mean, my friends call me cause they know I usually have something crazy happening in my life. They say my life is such a soap opera in so many ways that we should make a show called, The Days of Tara's Life. But, who wants to air all their business on here. Most of those that blog, that I know, have kids they talk about or whatever, but I mainly have boy drama and friend drama. And I don't need everyone knowing all about that. So, I drove home tonight thinking about all the things I'd LIKE to blog about, but then I thought about all the things I COULD blog about and I have come up with the following: How stupid deer are, how nice the hills look in the summer, teaching my niece how to play first base yesterday, and how I have to mow the lawn again tomorrow. blah! And seriously... who wants to hear about all that stuff? I mean, the boy drama and friend drama would be so much more interesting wouldn't it?

Tee'd Off

I decided to explore what the big deal is with golf. People that golf absolutely love it and I've never once gone in my life, so I thought I would see what all the fuss was about and I think... I figured it out. Did you know that you can drink out there? On the golf course? That's why people say it's such a stress reliever! They go out there in mid afternoon and spend the day drinking beers. Away from the nagging wives, lawns that need to be mowed, and cars that need to be fixed. I get it now! Also, there's cool golf carts you get to drive around. I drove Dan's around yesterday and it was SUPER fun. It's like driving one of those bumper cars around when you were little. Nothing but a brake and gas peddle. No lines on the road or boundaries to adhere to. Freedom. Like when we were kids in our bumper cars. You can go wherever you want and you don't even have to worry about other traffic or anything. So, I have discovered why people like golfing so much. But, as far as hitting that little ball into a hole that you can't even see... well I've yet to figure out why that's so much fun! I mean, Danny hits the ball and I can't even see where it goes. Good thing he knew what he was doing or we would have been driving around looking for a ball the whole afternoon cause I had no clue where it went every time he hit it. However, Danny set me up to tee off. Did you also know that they have handicaps for girls!?! Girls get to hit the ball from closer to the hole cause apparently they can't hit it as far. Whatever! He tried to get me to tee off from that area but I refused to accept defeat in the face of victory! Ok, not that crazy but I tee'd off from where he was anyways. I was HORRIBLE, but you wouldn't have known it cause he was so encouraging. I think it's because he saw how bad I was so just simply hitting the ball a little bit was a feat all in itself. I completed a par 4 hole in around 20 strokes. So, I didn't subject Danny to wait for me to hit every hole when he's hitting (I just learned this yesterday) Birdies. He's super good. Even the people in the country club were telling me how good he is so I felt it my duty to show him how BAD people can be as well. Thank you for taking such an amateur, Danny! I had a blast!

One Reason I'm glad I'm home...

My cat Spuddie

I don't really like animals. I know, I know. It's so weird. I get it all the time. Why don't you like dogs? And on and on, but I just don't. However, over a year ago outside where I worked, three baby cats were dropped by the road and so I took one and I named her Spuddie. She's really not that cute and there's nothing special about her but she's mine. I always loved her but I never really liked her and I can't stand it when she tries to sleep with me. I can't stand anyone sleeping in the same bed as me; not even my baby nieces and nephews let alone a cat. I can just never sleep with someone else in the bed, but that cat always wants to sleep with me and I never let her. My parents had to take her when I moved from Custer; even though they really didn't want to. I thought that she would never notice me being gone, but that cat follows me all around the house and actually responds to her name when I call her. She has this little bell green collar and when I've been gone for a couple days and then come home, she jingles all over the house with me. So cute. She'll even come find me in the midst of everyone at the house and come sit with me. I think it's just because we've been partners for a while now.

Customer Service at it's peak

So today I had to go to Rapid City to get my car serviced. My father insisted that I get this thirty thousand mile check done on the car. Here are my thoughts on the whole situation... I spent like a whole bunch of money buying some special extended warrenty for the vehicle but then, have to pay for these check ups like it's a child or something! There's not a thing wrong with my car, but he insisted that it needed to get done. Whatever! What I want is an all inclusive warrenty where, if the oil needs changed-paid for, it needs new tires-paid for, I get a little scratch or dent-no problem. But, no! I have this warrenty that cost me half of an arm and a small toe and I still have to pay for stuff. It hasn't paid for nothin' yet. Apparently they don't sell those kinds of warrenties. So, five hours later and four hundred dollars later, I get my car back the exact same way I gave to them and all they said was everything looks great. I think I got robbed.

But, that's not the point of this story. Here goes... I've never really been concerned with costumer service or cared much if I had a good waitress but lately, costumer service has become a big deal to me. I mean, a lot of servers these days have this smug look upon their faces like they're entitled to a 40% gratuity charge or something. Well not in my world. In my world you have to work for your tip. Not to say that I expect you to wear white gloves and be all up in my grill, but efficent service is key; in any customer service job. If I have a good server, I'll tip them big, but when you get that server that has an attitude, you're sitting there with an empty glass, and she hasn't brought you the ketchup yet, well I get frustrated. When I want to go somewhere and I'm spending money, I expect good service in return. So I was pleased today when I had wonderful service everywhere I went.

First I dropped my vehicle off at Kia. I walked in the door and was greeted by smiling faces and lots of guys who were willing to help, asked if there was anything they could do for me, and got my vehicle right in. So then I headed to Lens Crafters. I lost my glasses somewhere in Asia and have been meaning to go to Lens Crafters to get another pair. The guy was great. Very friendly, curtious, and willing to help with anything. He earned his paycheck. Then I went back to the Kia dealership. They were once again very nice and helpful. They let me know how much longer my vehicle would be and explained everything in great detail to me as I had no idea what they did to my car. Before I left, they assured me that I could count on them if I had any questions, and when I paid, the guy even gave me a discount cause he said, "he liked me!" And he even stapled his card onto the bill incase I had any questions or concerns later. Now that's good service! So, even though I got robbed, at least it was done with a smile :)

Ok, I would continue but I have to go. Last time I checked my niece, I found her in my dad's garage with a piece of wood wedged in some thing and her sawing it in half. Now I hear a hammer!

The Joys of Mowing the Lawn

So I got a facebook message from my dad when I was in Colorado asking if I would mow the lawn. Now my sister usually mows the lawn for them each week and gets paid but she's really sick so he asked me. Me, other the other hand, well I don't get paid. He offered to pay me but I owe them literally thousands of dollars so, like the good daughter I am, I said I would do it for free. Grace doesn't owe them peanuts so she gets paid. Anyways, I said I would do it and started on it today. Their lawn is big. It's big enough for a rider mower, but of course we don't have one of those when "your own two feet are good enough." So, I mowed the front which was easy but then I went to the back yard and oh my goodness. There's a swingset to mow around, benches my mom had made, trees, and of course her flower beds. Last year, since I owe my parents so much money, I told them that I would try to help out around the house when I'd come home on the weekends so my dad give me this job of oiling or varnishing (I don't know what it was) their huge privacy fence that goes all around the yard. Since I'm lazy I just varnished all the metal handles on all the gates as well. Who wants to take the time to varnish AROUND all the little metal pieces so I just slopped the stuff all over everything. I mean, I figured it would wash off until my dad caught me doing it and told me that it was water proof. Ooops. Well he didn't really catch me. He just went to go out one of the gates and got a hand full of goop. But, I'm not to blame for all of the gate handles. My niece wanted to help me last summer so I gave her a little bucket of the brown oily stuff and she decided it was actually more fun to paint the gate handles then the wood and did a couple herself before grandma stopped her. But anyways, I go to take the mower to the back lawn and the handles on the nice wooden gates are STILL sticky. whooops :) Who would have thought that stuff actually worked and really was water proof.

Anyhow, back to the story. As I'm mowing, I noticed all these wooden posts next to the fence. I couldn't figure out what they were there for and had spent a bunch of time mowing up real close to them so my dad would be super proud that I left no grass behind, but then I realized that there's like these little schrub things planted right next to them. I mean, I kept thinking to myself, "why does my dad have all these wooden posts sticking out in the lawn? What in the world is he doing?" I actually just wanted to rip them out of the ground cause they were such a pain mowing around, but once I realized... well it all made sense, just a few posts too late. So, I probably mowed over like four of my mom's new plants or schrubs or trees. Yeah, I'm sure it will be a while before I hear the end of that one. I still hear about the sticky gate handles from time to time. But I kept mowing and started nagivating AROUND the newly planted bushes but then mowed up a bunch of her flowers. Seriously, who can tell the difference between grass and flowers that haven't bloomed yet. They all just look green to me. I'm not gonna tell her though. Lets see how long it takes for her to notice. I'm sure not that long. She's a master gardener and literaly spends most of her days in the summer outside watching every single flower grow and then subjects me and everyone else to come see them and show me every single flower when I come home to visit. Lets see how much she likes it when she goes out tonight and finds some of them mowed up. But I didn't mean to! It was an accident! Oh well, I guess another oops. But, in my defense... she used to have rock beds around all her flowers and she must have thought that was tacky because they're not there anymore. Oh yeah, I also stepped on a bunch of the strawberry patches when I was trying to mow real close around one of the wooden posts that apparently, now I realize, was actually a new schrub. Total accident and I made sure to not step on the strawberries again. Goodness, I hope my sister gets better soon so she can resume the duty of lawn mowing! But in the process of mowing EVERYTHING up, I did manage to move a sprinkler head before that became a victim of the lawn mower as well; which brings me to another thought and endless debate in my family...

Ok, so I love sitting on the swing in my parent's backyard and smelling fresh cut grass, but everytime, I'm disturbed by their decision to plant pine trees. Yes, that's right folks, I said it. My parents planted pine trees in our backyard. Who does that? They say, "Tara! they're not pine trees!" So maybe they're evergreens or blue spruces or whatever. But seriously... pine trees? They're so nasty that not even grass grows under them. That's how much the earth even hates them. In the midst of all this green luscious grass there's pine trees with a big patch of dirt underneath them because even the grass is smart enough to stay away. What happened to nice leafy trees that kids can climb and hang their tire swings from. And, my other point is... WE LIVE IN THE WOODS. You wanna see a pine tree... take a walk through the black hills. It's like planting sage brush in your yard and calling it pretty. I should have mowed one of those up and coming blue spruce trees is what I should have done. So, despite all the tragic fetalities, my parents sure do have a nice cut lawn.

Hookin' Em

Today I went fishing. And you all will never believe it but... I caught the only fish! I was so excited because I don't think I've ever caught a fish in my life. I've actually really not fished that much but I was super excited to catch a fish. It was a large mouth bass but just a baby. I wanted to take it off the hook but Joe said we needed to get it back in the water quick so he just did it himself. I really like fishing. It's pretty relaxing and I could see getting quite excited if I actually caught a big one. I have not really fished much though. When I was young, my dad used to go fishing when we were camping and I would go with but I was the youngest of all the kids and would just run around while they fished. I remember hearing a lot of this; "Shhhh." I think I was pretty loud and would scare the fish away all the time. One of the only memories I have fishing when I was young is tearing around the woods and then watching my dad gut a trout for dinner that night. I remember all these little circles in the inside of the fish. I don't know what they were. But I just remember all these little circles. Now that I think about it, they were probably little eggs. Those were good times when everything was innocent and all I had to worry about was not getting hurt in the creek while I ran around. But tomorrow I head back to reality. Back to life and times much more complicated than those that run through my mind now.

This trip was different for me than most trips. I had a great time and it was nice to get away. Thank God for such an amazing friend that has stuck with me through so much. A great place to come relax. Things have changed for me though. Since I've come back from Indonesia, I feel much more subdued. I don't seem to have the same spark that I used to have. I'm no longer the life of the party; or the witty one that always has a quick response. I'm not laughing at silly things, enjoying my crazy jokes, or looking for a great time. I've been very "even" since coming back. I don't know if that makes sense but on this trip, I noticed the change the most. My first glimpse was when we went rafting. Everyone there was a riot and having so much fun. I was having a lot of fun as well but i didn't feel that normal desire I would have to jump into the conversations, do something extreme, or actively participate with everyone. I was just there. I was not the life of the party and I was ok with it. I didn't care that everyone was laughing about something and I was not. I didn't care that I wasn't involving myself in everything that was going on around me. Normally, This has never been the type of person I am and anyone that knows me knows I'm not one to sit in the corner and not say much but this is how I have become. I'm like a wall flower now. It's not such a bad thing, but I feel like, for some reason, I've lost a part of who I am; my spark has dimmed out. I can't see it anymore and it upsets me. I don't care about being the life of the party but I don't want to permanently lose that part of me that is silly, likes stupid jokes, and gives me that part of who I have always been. But I feel like I can't see that part of me anymore. It's buried and I don't have the energy to dig; nor do I know where to start digging. Then tonight I noticed it again. There were a couple really cool guys over, but I really had no interest to get to know them, get off the couch, or engage myself in their conversations. Even last night they came over and I barely said two words to them. I just sat there and listened to the conversations going on around me. Normally I would actively be a part of it all. I mean tonight, after hanging out, when they were getting ready to leave, I went to the bedroom and all the sudden thought to myself that maybe I should say goodbye and tell them that it was nice meeting them. It was a push to get me to do this. I just didn't care. Didn't care if I said goodbye, made new friends, or left them with a friendly impression of me. That's not me. I love meeting new people, seeing new things, and experiencing new events, but not now. I just didn't care. I mean, you could ask any teachers from Newcastle who I was and they would say, "Oh yeah, we remember tara taylor. How could we forget?" But now, I've become the forgettable one. The one that you might be able to remember the face, but you'd never remember the name. And I don't really care. I just don't care.

Forward 2!

Goodness, it's been a great couple days. I decided to go to Durango to see such an amazing friend, Kelley. What a beautiful drive. I forget every time I come this way how wonderful of a drive it is. The first time I saw the scenery in that direction was when Josh and I drove up to Beauna Vista to his sister's cabin years and years ago. I also went once with him and his parents when we traveled to the Las Vegas bowl. I was impressed by the landscape and scenery then and as I get older, I think I enjoy it more. Man, does that make me sound old. Like I'm one of those people that asks how the weather is and I actually care!!! Oh heavens! Anyhow, it's a long drive but it's gorgeous. Getting here was great. Kelley is always so welcoming and it's just nice and relaxing being there. No pressure. No need to perform. We just got back from camping and as much as I love camping, I love getting home and taking a shower. You know what is nice about camping... is not having any electricity. It's really quite liberating to not be able to check facebook, constantly be looking at your phone, or reading emails. And I hate the fact that those are the first things I do when I get home.

Camping was great though. Just us girls. We went to Moab, Utah. I know I've seen it on the Ford commercials, but it wasn't what I expected. It's landscape is like no other I've seen. Red rocks, and formations that are just amazing. I felt like I was driving up to a puzzle. The clouds are the white pieces; the easiest part of the puzzle since there's not too many clouds against the blue sky, find the green ones that are the scrubs growing on the ground, and the meat of the puzzle would be the red pieces forming the rocks. The hardest part to put together. I assumed that it would be the same camping I'm used to, but everyone just camps in the dust next to the Colorado River. I'm used to being surrounded by pine trees camping on the forest floor, but this was different and fun to do. When we got there, there were two other men "camping" in their RV's. We spent our time setting up tents while they tried to get their generator to work. Well, let me rephrase that. The rest of the girls set up the tents while I watched. :) I was being lazy. We had a great supper in Moab that night. Sat and had some drinks first and met a couple other guys that were camping. Then they told us that they were camping in a cottage. One guy had a shirt on that said, "You have my Balls" with a girl holding a bunch of footballs, basketballs, etc. I can't stand guys like that and find them so superficial, it drives me nuts. I just don't have patience for them. I mean really, get a grip! I guess some girls like it though. I shouldn't judge, but I have a hard time seeing anything under the surface with guys like that. Thank goodness we moved to a table. So, I go to the restroom and, of course, Kelley sets me up. A bunch of waiters go walking by with a birthday brownie and a candle. I thought they were walking past me, but I shouldn't have been surprised when they started singing me happy birthday thanks to Kelley wanting to get free dessert. This is not the first time she's done this to me. The last time she did this to me, I had to wear a crazy sombrero hat and pose for pictures before taking it off. I'm always the sucker! But it's in great fun and is a good laugh. And it was a darn good brownie. Lovin' it!

We decided to go rafting the next day and had a good time going down the Colorado River. I have been waiting allllll winter to get some sun. Everything I put on I hate because I looked so washed out and haven't been this white for years. It was great to get some sun and I even got a little burn. Sun burns make me feel alive and I love finally having a little color on my face. The raft trip was great and us girls laughed and laughed. Our river guide was a good guy as well and let us do whatever we wanted and we had a good time meeting others that were floating down the river. No big rapids, but a good time none the less. We were supposed to go out with all the guys from the raft shop that night but after supper, we went back to the camp site and it started POURING for hours. So we just relaxed in the tents and had a nice time being goofy.

So now, just a couple days to relax in Colorado before I head home. I wish I could stay longer but obligations call.

I'm back and at it again.

I made it back from the colony this afternoon. It was a fun trip, but it's always nice to get back to civilization. My grandmother is so funny though. I had my computer and my mom asked if I had a mouse for it. She hates using the pad on the computer. My grandma pops up and goes, "huh? You hear a mouse? Where is it?" We tried to explain to her what a mouse was but she didn't get it and just wanted to know if there was a mouse in the house. That lady cracks me up. I also had a great time visiting with my uncle. He talked to me all about hunting. He was showing me his mounted deer from this last year and I asked if he does the mounting. He said, "you bet your bottom dollar I do!" I then asked how in the world he gets the blood and guts out of the head before he puts it up there. "He said, you gotta be shittin' me!?!" Then he made fun of me for a little bit and kept sayin', "Jumpin' Johnny!" and shaking his head. I just laughed knowing how silly I must sound, but seriusly... Am I supposed to know how a deer is mounted?

Mashed potatos and no gravy? But they're both right there!

Three young hutterite girls stopped by my grandmother's house. My grandma is too old to go and get food at the communal kitchen when the dinner bell rings so people always bring her food. These three stop in everyday to give her food. We were sitting and visiting with these girls. We started talking about school since they were on their school break. See, a teacher comes from the nearby school and teaches these children in the school house on the colony but when they get older, the kids will have to go into a public school to continue their education. I asked the girls if they planned on going to college and they all promptly said no and looked at me as if it was a sin to even consider college. I understand that a higher education may not be in their futures as it's unnecessary, but then they started to talk about how they were not going to finish high school either and were just going to get what the law required; their GED or continue with school until they were past 8th grade. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I understand why education is not their top priority but to limit themselves without there being a sufficient reason is beyond me. I have worked in a place where getting a GED is such an accomplishment and it is not obtainable by all because of their living environment and the strain a family puts on a child, but this is not that case. Getting a high school diploma is a dream that will not come true for a lot of them. However, these young girls have every opportunity, but are choosing to not get even a high school education.

I think that taking youth out of the public school system is fine. I've seen the system and man, I thought it was bad when I attended school? Kids, in general, are learning things at a much younger age and advertising it for the world to see. I was at a soccer practice the other day for seven year old boys and those boys were talking about things that they shouldn't have known about for years to come. Their language, attitude, and overall demeanor was astonishing. So... I get not putting your kids in a public school system, but to not understand the importance of a general overall education is quite disturbing. At least make it necessary that they complete high school through the means of home school resources. One of the girls said, "Why should we go to school after 8th grade?" I had no idea what to tell her nor is it my battle to fight. I mean, I know what to say but my concept of schooling and its importance is in a completely different realm than theirs making it impossible to explain. I also understand that the importance of learning how to sew, cook, clean, and treat a husband may be more practical for these youth, but why take mashed potatos and not the gravy when they are both readily available?

Ah, the Black Hills

Today I got out of the house. Went hiking and then out to eat. I tell you what, I was getting really frustrated trying to find shoes for hiking and a coat. All my stuff is spread all over I have no idea where to find anything and it's super irritating. I had to drag out boxes trying to find shoes and I didn't even start to try to find a coat. I finally found my shoes at the bottom of one of my parent's closets. I just wish I had a house or apt. of my own again. I oh so appreciate my parents and their willingness to just let me stay here as long as I need to, but I feel like everything I've established since graduating from high school is all in a box or shoved into a corner somewhere. The bedroom I grew up in does not feel like "home". I look around and still see my prom pictures or old roses that I dried that were given to me from old boyfriends. As much as I love my house here, I feel, sometimes, like I'm stuck in a sort of purgatory; a limbo in between my childhood and my adult life and I don't know where to land. Anyhow...

I went on a hike today to Poet's Table. I tried to find it a few weeks ago and we didn't find it. When I found it today, I realized that we were right next to Poet's Table the whole time and just missed it by taking one wrong turn. I love going up there. It's so relaxing. A spot that not many people know about hidden by Sylvan Lake that's been kept a secret since 1969. But, today I was determined to find it and I did. It's so pretty up there.

When getting back to Newcastle, My parents and I went out to eat for my mother's birthday. It was quite nice and I let my mother tell me the same story I've heard a thousand times about how she met my dad. How they only went on three dates and then got married. I think she tells the story in an attempt to convince her that I could be married really quick when I find the right guy. I don't care and am in no rush, but she thinks that my problems would be solved (or more, her problems will be solved) when I get married. So, she talks about how quick it happened for her hoping that in a week, the same will happen for me.

So my mom asks the waitress at the restaurant who she is; small town and all. The waitress goes on to tell us and she tells me that she would have graduated here in 2003 which is two years after me. I ask her if I should know her as we're close in age and she said she grew up here. She said, "Oh, I know you. I've heard about you." Not sure what that was supposed to mean but I told her not to believe everything she hears. That's part of why I don't like actually LIVING here. Most people either know me or know of me. I'm sure those from Newcastle that are reading this are smiling right about now with memories floating through their heads of why people would know of me. Now friends, lets not go writing those things down for others to see OK? Oh man, do I feel like I'm in a serious state of limbo between my old life and new life.

To The Colony

Well, I'm off to the colony this weekend. I wanted to go a while ago, but didn't get the chance. So, this weekend I'm headed to Montana. I'm excited for the sweet bread. They only make it when a baby is born and my cousin's wife just had a baby so I'm sure my grandmother will have some. The women make tons of loafs and then distribute it to all the families in the colony and my grandma always has extra laying around. I don't actually really like it but I've been eating it since I was a little girl and always have to take a bite or two. My sisters love it so maybe I'll bring some home for them. Yes Grace... I'll bring you some. We're going to go to Spring Creek colony as well to see some cousins. I don't think I've ever been to that colony. They don't stare at me weird anymore at my mother's colony since they pretty much know who I am, but if I thought it was bad the way they looked at a white person in Indonesia, it's even worse at the colony. They stare at you trying to figure out who you are related to and what you're doing there. Once they figure out who I am they always say this... "oh!!! you look just like your uncle Ed." My uncle is the preacher of our colony and we are a lot alike. Sometimes, I'll be saying something and my mom stops and says, "you look just like your uncle!" i don't see it, but everyone in the colony does and always remind me of it.

I like the way that everyone just walks in the doors there. There's definately an open door policy and everyone just goes into whoever's house without asking. Uses their bathroom, eats their food, takes a load off, then they leave. It's kinda fun. But, I wish I understood what they were all saying. I know when they're talking about me. I can tell from their body language but I don't know what they're saying. I ask my mom afterwards and she can never remember and doesn't do a good job of interpreting. Oh well, it's just part of the experience. When I was young my sisters and I would roam around with nothing to do for hours. During the day, the women are all working in the kitchen or out in the fields and the men are out working as well so our cousins weren't around. I remember tying a string to one end of my grandma's house and finding dead mice in the barn. We would lay the mice over the string and fling them in the air as high as we could until the mouse would fall apart. Then we'd get another one. That was probably the funnest thing I did there when I was little.

As much as I love the colony, I can't ever stand being there for more than a few days. Unless there's a party of some sort. I went to one last summer. It's called a Shivary. I have no idea how to spell it, but it's a traditional party that takes place before a wedding. My cousin was getting married and there were hutterites from colonies all over. We had a blast. But those don't happen all the time. So, I'll just sit back and relax this time. Try to not get too bored.

Oh yeah... I finished painting my mother's bathroom today and lets just say that I don't think I'll be a professional painter in the near future. I spent the first day trying to paint out of a cool whip container cause I couldn't find anything else until my dad informed me that they have these neat things called paint trays down at the store. That made it a lot easier, but I have paint all over my clothes and got paint all over the bathtub, floor, paneling, etc. Oops. I guess it's the thought that counts. I don't think they care much because they plan on remodeling soon anyways.

Ok well, enough for now. I'm off to blow dry my niece's hair. It's so thick and out of control with volume. Lets see what we can do with this thick lovely hair. She definatley gets it from the Logan side of her!

Life As I Know It

Hmmmm.... I don't think I'm used to the time change again yet or maybe my body is just screwed up because of all the changes lately, but I can't sleep!!! It's frustrating because all I really want to do is fall into a deep sleep. Maybe it's because I've been sleeping until the afternoon lately. When I'm feeling down, and yes, I'm definitely feeling down, I tend to sleep for hours. My father came into my room a few days ago and asked that I please get out of bed. He made me set plans up for the weekend and even took me out of the house that evening. It's really embarrassing for me to walk around town here, go to the kids soccer practices, or even to the grocery store. I feel silly for being back here. This is no one's fault but my own as not a single person has made me feel like a failure.

I am really trying to push myself. When I was in high school I fell into a really bad depression after a horrible breakup. I would sleep for up to 16 hours a day. Of course my parents wouldn't let me so I would get myself up long enough to act like I was going to school and then go over to a friend's house where I would just lay and sleep all day until school was over, then return home where I would retreat back to my bedroom. It's nice to see that I've grown since then. I haven't been letting myself just lay in bed but have been trying to push myself. I went and bought paint today and surprised my mother by painting her bathroom; although she wasn't thrilled with the color. Oh well. She won't ever tell me that but I could tell from her reaction.

I switched my blog up a little. I really didn't think I wanted to continue to blog since the purpose of it has been destroyed, but I don't have anything else to do so I figured, "what the heck." Not sure that anyone actually reads it, but it's kinda therapeutic. And... I type over a hundred words a minute. It was like the only thing I was good at in school so blogging for me is super easy as I just type whatever happens to pop into my mind. But, nothin's popping anymore so one more shot at sleeping.

Oh yeah, I will post pictures of Indonesia soon, but I just can't get myself to do it yet. Not that there's anything wrong with them... but for some reason, I don't feel ready. Soon though. Soon.

Getting home. Holy Cow!

Well, many people have asked that I share my experience as to how I got home and the adventure I had while trying to get back to America. Here goes... Be prepared for a long one. It was quite a trip!

When I finally made the decision to come home, I was informed that an "agent" in Indonesia would have to take me to immigrations and from there to the airport. I met the agent at the school I was going to be working at and was given an itemized list of what I owed the school for visa paperwork etc. The list equated to $461.66. I had pulled $700 out of the bank in Newcastle a week before I left. The purpose of this money was to buy things in the airport, use it for odds and ends until I left the country and then, whatever I had left, I would put into my new bank account in Indonesia. I had what remained of the money in an envelope in my wallet. I had no idea how much money was left and took the envelope out when seeing the amount I owed. I prayed I had enough money. I got all the bills out and began to count. I had not a dollar more or a dollar less than $461. To the dollar I had enough. I couldn't believe it. In the last two weeks, out of $700 dollars and random spending I was left with the EXACT amount owed. Was that a trip!

I had not seen my passport since my arrival in Indonesia since they had taken it and was hoping this was the reason I would need an agent to help me leave the country. I arrived at our meeting point five hours before my flight was scheduled to leave. The man spoke no English and there was another man that was driving the vehicle. I entered the vehicle with them and we left. To where, I didn't know. About 40 minutes later, We arrived at this beat down building swarming with people that said IMMIGRATIONS. One of the men ushered me out of the vehicle and I followed him as we darted in and out of crowds to a back door. The man directed me to sit down in the midst of all these foreign people. He then disappeared into a back room. I sat there for close to 15 minutes wondering what was going on and hoping that I wasn't left. Soon, the gentleman arrived and ushered me outside where we stood for an additional 15 minutes. All the sudden, another man met us and we I was told to get back into the vehicle; now with three men that spoke no English. I did and we proceeded on. Once again, not knowing where. Finally we arrived at the Juana Surabaya Airport. We all left the vehicle and the men told me to sit while they disappeared again. I was alone for close to an hour before they reappeared again. I still had not seen my passport and was praying that one of them had it. We sat there for about another hour and then one of the men handed me his phone. On the other end was female that told me I would need an addition 150,000 Rupiahs to leave the country. I had absolutely no Rupiahs left on me so I had to find an ATM Machine and pray that it worked. Thank God it did and I got the money. Finally the men directed to into the airport where we got in the ticket line. I was surprised to see that all boarding passes were hand written and when I stepped up to the counter, they did not have me on their list of individuals trying to leave the country. They had to call Singapore and get a confirmation that I could enter their country. Thank God that Singapore agreed and I was issued a handwritten boarding pass. However, the troubles checking in did not stop there. She informed me that my baggage was too heavy for the allotted amount. I explained that I knew they would be too heavy and was willing to pay as I had payed on my way in to Indonesia from Singapore. I handed her my credit card and she promptly told me that they only accepted cash so.... I had to leave my spot in line while the men that were with me stood there and go back to the ATM Machine. This time, I withdrew 2,000,000 Rupiahs assuming it would be enough. I got back to the ticket counter and she told me that I didn't have enough. I began bawling and told her that I would just throw stuff out of my luggage. The had no idea how to convert it into how much American money I needed and the lady just felt bad for me, so she dropped the amount of extra kg's I had in my luggage to an amount that was sufficient for 2,000,000 Rupiahs. Finally, after an hour at the ticket stand I was free to leave. The men then took me up the stairs and into a room labeled "Immigration" I was told to sit down across from this desk with a big Indonesian man on the other side. He took my passport and began examining it. He started to interrogate me asking why I was leaving, why I came, why I didn't like it, and started to try to convince about how great Indonesia was. I again began crying. Not as a ploy but out of pure desperation to go home. He looked up at me, paused for a minute and said, "OK. you can go." I'm sure I will never quite understand and appreciate the depth of those words. Only someone that is told, "no. you are not free to go" would probably fully appreciate those four short words. I left his office and the men and I parted ways. I got to my gate and suddenly realized that the lady at the ticket counter had kept all of my papers to get me on my flights out of Asia. I had to run downstairs, leave my passport with the scary man at the desk, and pray that the lady still had the papers. She did, sitting right on her desk. I thanked her for them and went screeching back up the stairs. I stormed right into the immigration office and once again, asked for my passport back. He gave it to me and I was on my way. Just when I thought the plane was going to take off, we were stalled by two immigrants that were not allowed access into Indonesia. The plane had to wait for them to re board as it is policy that they not even be allowed to wait in the airport until immigrations sorts things out. So finally... after an already long day, the plane left the ground. I watched as I left Indonesia, a dream unfulfilled, and hopes destroyed.

Once I arrived in Singapore and deboarded the plane. I stood in the airport I had been in just a few short days earlier and bawled. I bawled until my sleeve was soaked with tears. I had a seven hour layover and nothing to do. When finally boarding the plane I was, at that point, already so exhausted and not looking forward to a 13 hour flight. We traveled all through the night and followed the dark sky into Germany. Five hours into the flight we hit such bad turbulence that the captain directed all flight crew staff to take their seats and get strapped in. No one was allowed to leave their seats for the restroom or any other reason. I braced myself in my chair and became numb as we jolted back and forth in the dark night. All the sudden, everyone heard these horrible, "BOOM BOOM" noises coming from the very back of the plane. I was seated in the back and it was so loud through the turbulence that I thought the plane was falling apart; we had lost a wing, or an engine was going one. A flight attended ran back there and threw the bathroom door open to which he found a completely drunk Russian man pounding against the ways. The lady next to me explained that he had been sitting directly across from us through the whole flight and had drank a gallon of whisky he had brought on the plane. He was complete drunk. He refused to sit down and the flight crew pleaded and pleaded with him. He began to eye them down and try to call them out. The turbulence was so bad that I could not hear all of what was happening but everyone in that section of the plane was straining their necks to see and hoping this man would sit in the midst of an already stressful flight. He continued to refuse to sit and demanded that he be reseated. The flight was full but he insisted that an old man and a young Chinese girl remove themselves from their seats as he demanded that he wanted to sit in their seats. They were more than happy to agree as no one wanted to upset this man anymore and when they finally went to move, the Russian decided he had won that game and didn't want their seats anymore. He chose to pace up and down our section of the plane for onwards to a couple hours, glaring at people, fighting with the flight crew, and he even almost shoulder checked an old grey haired man that was trying to give him his spot for the restroom. I had it. I could not sit back and do nothing any longer. After watching the crew serve this man an additional three meals in the hopes that he would eat something, him throwing the meals to the floor, glaring at Innocent bystanders, I decided to do something. I had to stretch my legs anyways, so I got up when no one was standing back there besides the drunk Russian. I said nothing but just gave him a firm look letting him know that I saw him, knew he was there, and did not expect any problems. Of course, as predicted he approached me and made the wrong more by touching my shoulder intentionally. I told him to not touch me again and leave me alone and we wouldn't have any problems. Of course, he moved closer to me and wanted to engage me in a conversation. I told him that I, unlike others, was not willing to put up with his crap and was completely disgusted at the way he was behaving. I told him he needed to sit down, shut up, and leave everyone alone. He began to try to ramble something to me again and I told him, Enough! I was not willing to listen to him. I said something like I'm not scared of you, you don't intimidate me, and I will not deal with you any longer. I said that I was sick of watching him walk up and down the isles trying to "scare" everyone. I tried to move to the other side of the plane and he followed. It was then that I got extremely firm and used a few choice words I won't write in this blog. I moved to another section of the plane to make it clear to him the conversation was done and this was not friendly banter that he could have fun with. When returning to my spot, I found him sitting nicely in his seat, eating the meal that was provided for him, and not bothering those around him. I guess it gave the flight some excitement, but excitement I didn't appreciate not did the rest of the passengers.

So finally after hours, I arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. What a boring airport! Not a single place to shop, no halls to roam through. Oh man, was it boring and to top it off, all I could do was think about my situations. Finally, after an 8 hour layover, we boarded the plane. The first thing the captain said was, "well folks, we should have you in Denver right on time." I was worried because I only had an hour and half to get through Customs in America an on to my next flight into Rapid City so I was depending on every possible minute I had. Of course, we landed 20 minutes late and with the time it takes to taxi a huge plane like that to the gate, well lets say I was stressing. If you have never been through Immigrations in America, it's not a fun thing to do. It's unlike Immigrations in any other country and you would think every person has a bomb. Put it this way, going through Immigrations in any other country is like going through America's simple security check. Easy, quick, and you're on your way. In America, you have to go through the passport section. Then you have to get your luggage even if it's going on to another flight, then you have to recheck your luggage in at another counter, then you have to go through Customs, then you have to go all the way back through security, then onto your gate. I got to my gate with not a minute to spare and they began boarding the minute I got there.

Finally, after a long journey, I arrived safely in Rapid City, South Dakota.

Home Again

I'm not sorry I came home. I'm sorry I went. Not even a week later and I write this from my parent's house. How embarrassing, how disappointing, and how shameful.

I thought I did everything right. I thought I was completely prepared. I spent months getting ready for this huge adventure in my life and now I'm left picking up the pieces. This is not what I envisioned. This was not part of the plan.

I did everything I could. I went to classes every weekend for close to a month to do this. I researched countries and Indonesia was what I wanted. I envisioned working with great people, living with a bundle of girls I could learn to call my family, experiencing a unique culture and maybe walking on a beach during the day. But, that's not what happened. I thought there would be markets to walk around. Stroll through them while soaking up the sun. But there wasn't. I thought many things but I thought wrong. I supposed I could have done it had I not had so many initial expectations, but I can't turn back time. I gave up. It was a quick fight and I lost. I don't lose often and this feeling is hard to shake.

I went because I thought I needed an adventure. I thought I shouldn't be content leading a simple life in the black hills. I was content but I thought I shouldn't be. I thought I should do more, see more, live more, but I liked what I was doing. Sure it was hard at times, but I never felt a NEED to leave. I just thought I should leave. Although I had gotten my degree, was working in my field, and doing a dang good job in my work, I thought I should do more. But, I liked leading a small life. I like driving for hours and seeing no one. I like deer in my lawn, and I like living close to family. Why is that so bad? Because I have limited options? Because I don't do much on the weekends but would rather watch a good movie or play games with my family? What is so wrong with that?

Boy what a mistake I made. A pretty hefty, expensive mistake. now, here I am left picking up the pieces. No job, no direction, no peace, and utter disappointment in myself. I was happy before I left. And now, I wake up with such a knot in the pit of my stomach that I clutch my fists together so hard, my nails dig into my skin. I thought I was doing what God was leading me to do and now, I'm lost. I lost all sense of security and I had all the security just two short weeks ago.

My father tells a story of farming when he was young and how overwhelmed he was when seeing all the hay bails he had to stack. now that I'm home, he tells me to just focus on one hay bails at a time, but my senses constantly tell me to look up and see the whole field. The utter mess in front of me. My eyes drift all around and I see tons of hay bails and no idea where to stack them, where to lay them, what to do with them. They were all stacked so nicely just a short while ago. Well now it's a complete disaster. The field is destroyed.

I asked myself what I learned. What did God teach me? I learned that I'm okay with my simple life. I'm okay liking the same town I grew up in. I learned that I'm better off vacationing in exotic places rather than trying to live n them and I also learned that vacationing is not called vacationing in any other place. It's called taking a holiday. I learned that people genuinely care about me. Not just, "hope you're doing well." but care beyond a superficial level. i learned that complete strangers stayed up to pray for me in the middle of the night so I would have prayer coverage when I needed it. I learned that people were willing to send packages across the world to give me a comfort and had many people ask if I needed anything. I was tempted to send a list with the first item being HOT WATER. But most of all, I learned that it's ok. It's ok that I made a mistake, didn't last, threw in the towel. I learned that people still accept me and God still loves me.

I have no idea where I go from here. My stomach turns just thinking about it. But, I do know Indonesia is over. I start new today.