Hookin' Em

Today I went fishing. And you all will never believe it but... I caught the only fish! I was so excited because I don't think I've ever caught a fish in my life. I've actually really not fished that much but I was super excited to catch a fish. It was a large mouth bass but just a baby. I wanted to take it off the hook but Joe said we needed to get it back in the water quick so he just did it himself. I really like fishing. It's pretty relaxing and I could see getting quite excited if I actually caught a big one. I have not really fished much though. When I was young, my dad used to go fishing when we were camping and I would go with but I was the youngest of all the kids and would just run around while they fished. I remember hearing a lot of this; "Shhhh." I think I was pretty loud and would scare the fish away all the time. One of the only memories I have fishing when I was young is tearing around the woods and then watching my dad gut a trout for dinner that night. I remember all these little circles in the inside of the fish. I don't know what they were. But I just remember all these little circles. Now that I think about it, they were probably little eggs. Those were good times when everything was innocent and all I had to worry about was not getting hurt in the creek while I ran around. But tomorrow I head back to reality. Back to life and times much more complicated than those that run through my mind now.

This trip was different for me than most trips. I had a great time and it was nice to get away. Thank God for such an amazing friend that has stuck with me through so much. A great place to come relax. Things have changed for me though. Since I've come back from Indonesia, I feel much more subdued. I don't seem to have the same spark that I used to have. I'm no longer the life of the party; or the witty one that always has a quick response. I'm not laughing at silly things, enjoying my crazy jokes, or looking for a great time. I've been very "even" since coming back. I don't know if that makes sense but on this trip, I noticed the change the most. My first glimpse was when we went rafting. Everyone there was a riot and having so much fun. I was having a lot of fun as well but i didn't feel that normal desire I would have to jump into the conversations, do something extreme, or actively participate with everyone. I was just there. I was not the life of the party and I was ok with it. I didn't care that everyone was laughing about something and I was not. I didn't care that I wasn't involving myself in everything that was going on around me. Normally, This has never been the type of person I am and anyone that knows me knows I'm not one to sit in the corner and not say much but this is how I have become. I'm like a wall flower now. It's not such a bad thing, but I feel like, for some reason, I've lost a part of who I am; my spark has dimmed out. I can't see it anymore and it upsets me. I don't care about being the life of the party but I don't want to permanently lose that part of me that is silly, likes stupid jokes, and gives me that part of who I have always been. But I feel like I can't see that part of me anymore. It's buried and I don't have the energy to dig; nor do I know where to start digging. Then tonight I noticed it again. There were a couple really cool guys over, but I really had no interest to get to know them, get off the couch, or engage myself in their conversations. Even last night they came over and I barely said two words to them. I just sat there and listened to the conversations going on around me. Normally I would actively be a part of it all. I mean tonight, after hanging out, when they were getting ready to leave, I went to the bedroom and all the sudden thought to myself that maybe I should say goodbye and tell them that it was nice meeting them. It was a push to get me to do this. I just didn't care. Didn't care if I said goodbye, made new friends, or left them with a friendly impression of me. That's not me. I love meeting new people, seeing new things, and experiencing new events, but not now. I just didn't care. I mean, you could ask any teachers from Newcastle who I was and they would say, "Oh yeah, we remember tara taylor. How could we forget?" But now, I've become the forgettable one. The one that you might be able to remember the face, but you'd never remember the name. And I don't really care. I just don't care.