Home Again

I'm not sorry I came home. I'm sorry I went. Not even a week later and I write this from my parent's house. How embarrassing, how disappointing, and how shameful.

I thought I did everything right. I thought I was completely prepared. I spent months getting ready for this huge adventure in my life and now I'm left picking up the pieces. This is not what I envisioned. This was not part of the plan.

I did everything I could. I went to classes every weekend for close to a month to do this. I researched countries and Indonesia was what I wanted. I envisioned working with great people, living with a bundle of girls I could learn to call my family, experiencing a unique culture and maybe walking on a beach during the day. But, that's not what happened. I thought there would be markets to walk around. Stroll through them while soaking up the sun. But there wasn't. I thought many things but I thought wrong. I supposed I could have done it had I not had so many initial expectations, but I can't turn back time. I gave up. It was a quick fight and I lost. I don't lose often and this feeling is hard to shake.

I went because I thought I needed an adventure. I thought I shouldn't be content leading a simple life in the black hills. I was content but I thought I shouldn't be. I thought I should do more, see more, live more, but I liked what I was doing. Sure it was hard at times, but I never felt a NEED to leave. I just thought I should leave. Although I had gotten my degree, was working in my field, and doing a dang good job in my work, I thought I should do more. But, I liked leading a small life. I like driving for hours and seeing no one. I like deer in my lawn, and I like living close to family. Why is that so bad? Because I have limited options? Because I don't do much on the weekends but would rather watch a good movie or play games with my family? What is so wrong with that?

Boy what a mistake I made. A pretty hefty, expensive mistake. now, here I am left picking up the pieces. No job, no direction, no peace, and utter disappointment in myself. I was happy before I left. And now, I wake up with such a knot in the pit of my stomach that I clutch my fists together so hard, my nails dig into my skin. I thought I was doing what God was leading me to do and now, I'm lost. I lost all sense of security and I had all the security just two short weeks ago.

My father tells a story of farming when he was young and how overwhelmed he was when seeing all the hay bails he had to stack. now that I'm home, he tells me to just focus on one hay bails at a time, but my senses constantly tell me to look up and see the whole field. The utter mess in front of me. My eyes drift all around and I see tons of hay bails and no idea where to stack them, where to lay them, what to do with them. They were all stacked so nicely just a short while ago. Well now it's a complete disaster. The field is destroyed.

I asked myself what I learned. What did God teach me? I learned that I'm okay with my simple life. I'm okay liking the same town I grew up in. I learned that I'm better off vacationing in exotic places rather than trying to live n them and I also learned that vacationing is not called vacationing in any other place. It's called taking a holiday. I learned that people genuinely care about me. Not just, "hope you're doing well." but care beyond a superficial level. i learned that complete strangers stayed up to pray for me in the middle of the night so I would have prayer coverage when I needed it. I learned that people were willing to send packages across the world to give me a comfort and had many people ask if I needed anything. I was tempted to send a list with the first item being HOT WATER. But most of all, I learned that it's ok. It's ok that I made a mistake, didn't last, threw in the towel. I learned that people still accept me and God still loves me.

I have no idea where I go from here. My stomach turns just thinking about it. But, I do know Indonesia is over. I start new today.